Friday, July 18, 2014

The Birth I expected Is not What I got.

So, as I look back on the birth I had with Mikey It was what I expected but actually didn't expect it at all.
Everything was great, minus the horrible pains that come with being 9 months pregnant. Swollen feet, having to use the toilet every 5 minutes, so very hungry but everything I ate made me feel sick. You know the normal stuff they don't tell you about your not prepared for unless you have already gone through it. However, then there that cruel joke your body plays on you on making it the complete opposite of what your last pregnancy was like.

Morning of my C section I knew it was time to get my head in the game. It was baby having time! I got up and dressed up (which equals a tank top and sweat pants) and we headed for the hospital.
Here is the last picture ever taken of me pregnant...ever!

So there we are in the hospital waiting to have the ultrasound to check position before I get the knife, I knew that like last time I could stay completely calm until the actual minute I was going to be taken back. So what else are we suppose to do?

Were going to have a baby, but first lets take a selfie.


   Well we sat there and did our registration, answered all the questions and got my final chance to take a pee before I got the Big C. The nurse comes in to give me my IV, and of course she gives me the little "this is going to pinch" to which I thought to myself :Lady I'm about to get cut open and have a tiny human pulled out of me, you think I'm worried about the IV?!: HAHA!



  The Time has come....

They unlock the bed brakes, and I think "maybe we can reschedule this for tomorrow I kinda don't mind being pregnant." But alas it was not an option. They start me into the hallway and down we go, Nathan in his cool outfit walking next to me camera on his hip, I loose it. I star to cry like a kid whose ice cream has fallen on the ground. Nathan turns to me grabs my hand and says "you were right." Heck yes I was right! Of course I could keep it all together until the moment came until I actually had to give birth! But the crying wasn't from sadness, it was from fear. The fear of having another child, and the worry of having a Csection, and the scary thought of knowing if I will be able to love him as much as my 1st.

Now caution... the next set of pictures are very Graphic (but very cool) .....
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I go into this all white super cold room that reminds you of the atomizer room in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I get my epidural which hurt less then my IV and the party starts. I defiantly had the shakes more this time then last. Nathan comes and sat next to my head and asked me "Are you ok? Are you ready?"..well not really but I have to be right? lol.

   It starts, I feel the tuggling and pulling (kind of) and then My dr says "one more minute!" to which I tell Nathan to stand up and take pictures.....


NOW IM WARNING YOU THESE ARE GRAPHIC!!!



















:) HES HERE!!! (:





Michael Vincent Patrick Young aka MVP was born! I finally had my little boy!
7lbs 3oz  21in long!



Nathan went with him to do the usual newborn screening and such while I got closed up and waited in recovery.
Now last time all I remember was closing my eyes, then opening them, and being wheeled into my room.
This time I was awake for the whole thing.
They stitched me up (very well) and then I sat in recovery just chit chatting with the nurse. What we talked about I cant even remember, all I could think about was ice chips, trying to mentally move my feet but couldn't actually move them, and knowing that when I could move them I could go to my room and they would bring me Mikey.
FINALLY my brain was connected to my feet and I could move them! (it took 45 mins lol)


I was then reunited with my baby whom I just given birth to.


And he spent more time with his daddy, as well as getting to meet his Big Sister and Mema. <3







All was right with the world.



But then something happen....

Something wasn't right....

A nurse came in to check on Mikey, Me and Nathan joked that she must have not known what she was doing because she looked like she was 12 years old and checked his heart rate and breathing about 8 times each. She goes to call another nurse, they take him back to the nursery for monitoring.

I had only been able to hold my new baby for a couple hours before he was taken away.

The nurse in her fear and following through with instinct is a young woman I could never thank enough.

Mikey was going into respiratory distress.

The doctors came in to talk to me and Nathan and I tried with all my might to stay calm, but I couldn't help it. I began to cry. There was a helicopter on it way to come get him, to take him 3 hours away. I had just had surgery, the nurse asked me if I wanted my cath out so that I could attempt to go see him before he left. Not even a thought in my mind, I would have yanked it out myself if it meant I could see my baby.
Emotions flood my mind and soul as I am being wheeled to the Nursery, the nurse give me a stool to sit on to be close to him.

I held back the tears looking down at him even though I knew he couldn't see me, but rather I knew he could feel me and I wanted him to feel strength.

The helicopter arrived, they came and loaded him up in a whole bed contraption in a thick plastic box. They told me they would take good care of him and handed me papers explaining where he would be, how to get there, etc.  But I couldn't even think.

Tears ran down my face as I looked and my fragile little baby hooked up to all the wires in his box. being taken from my arms and flown away after just giving birth to him.

My heart was broken.

I was lost.

I kissed him goodbye, told him "see you soon" and watched as they rolled him away.

I went back to my room, closed the door and began to sob uncontrollably.
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I hardly slept, I felt empty.
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The next day my doctor came in and told me he was releasing me so that I could load up and drive 3 hours to go be with my baby. I had just given birth not 24 hours ago, but there was no time to think about that.....I had to get to him.

I cant really explain what I felt leaving the hospital. I had all these bags with me, flowers in my hands instead of my baby. This wasn't how it was suppose to go, this wasn't what is suppose to happen. I felt like the whole 9 months I worked up to this, in the end I had nothing.
I felt lost and sadness.
I walked up the stairs to our apt, ad as I walked in the door Aleksus came running towards me saying "Mommy mommy!" Of course I hugged her, but it wasn't as good as I should have gave. I sat in the rocking chair I hoped to rock my new baby in, again empty handed.
We packed and loaded the van. Thank God my mother in law was with us to help with Aleksus.

We got to where we were going....dropped off my mother in law and Aleksus off at the hotel my Dad got for us, and headed to the NICU.

We signed in, washed our arms and hands and put on our gowns. The walk down the hall to his wing felt like it was miles away. My heart began to race. I held back the tears, and swallowed my fear.

They pulled the curtain back and there he was. My brand new baby. My boy.














 I was scared to hold him, to touch him, that I would tug on a wire or a tube and it would cause him pain. But for the next 5 days I walked that hallway, washed my hands and arms and held him and told him every day that I was there and Daddy too and we would never leave him again.
I watched other mothers I had grown close to in our journey have their babies and hold them tight, I was so happy for them, but jealous that I didn't experience all of what comes after having your baby.

HOWEVER! 

He was a fighter, as strong as his daddy, with determination like his sister, and the kindness of my heart.

He was cleared to come home! Wires were taken out and we had follow up appointments set up.

Mikey was coming home.

Finally.

It was riding in the back seat of the van with him that I realized....

My heart was very capable of holding the love for my two children, but I will never be able to put it in words.


And it was when I finally got to hold and rock him in our chair that I realized.....

My life was complete.



















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5 comments:

  1. I am not a mother, but this pulled at my heart strings. It brought tears to my eyes! You are a very strong woman and I am so glad that this story had a happy ending. Congrats to you and your beautiful family <3

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  2. Aww, I can only imagine how terrified you must have been, and to go through this right after having had your own major surgery! I'm so glad your baby recovered and you were all reunited and happy! What a story!

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  3. This is beautiful! I would have been a mess for sure... I remember freaking out just because my little one had to be readmitted for jaundice and I was able to stay with him the whole time so that was different!

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